Phobias and Freakouts. (Okay, Escalators.)

Some people are afraid of completely mundane things. One of my best friends has minor panic attacks when bananas come anywhere near her or her belongings.  Some people are afraid of normal things like snakes, failure, the afterlife, fine lines and wrinkles.

I’m afraid of all of those things, plus escalators (but only with the power turned off).

I realize this basically makes me afraid of stairs, but it’s true.  Put me in front of a moving escalator and I’m good to go.  This despite the years of my mother people telling horror stories of little kids getting loose shoe laces caught in the moving parts and being sucked in and scraped and mauled and de-limbed. Kind of like the stories of kids who get stuck in the cleaning filters of pools and hot tubs only to have their intestines suctioned out through their tiny anal cavities. (I watched a lot of 20/20 growing up.)

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What Your Airplane Reading Says About You

Vanity Fair (the magazine) You like to watch television slightly more than you like to read, have disposable income, and secretly want to be a movie star.

Vanity Fair (the novel) You think those Oscar Wilde one liners you see on the internet and painted on Irish pub walls are cool so you thought you’d give real literature a shot.

Us Weekly You already read about the cover story on Perez Hilton but need a fix without the internet connection.

Twilight You’re five years behind your teenage daughter.


E-Reader You’re reading something you’re ashamed of and want strangers to think you’re intellectual.

David Foster Wallace You’re a frustrated writer.

Hunter S. Thompson You’re a drunk frustrated writer.