Things I Keep Meaning to Tell You About: Mr. Rebates

Like so many men and women of my generation, I have an unhealthy relationship with the Internet. In case you haven’t noticed, I sort of put my life all over it. Pictures. Drunken musings. Lamentations of the single life. It’s everywhere.

Sometimes I think about quitting you, Internet. I finally get fed up with how much time we spend together, how much you let me tell the world. (You should really come with a breathalyzer.)

But then you put something beautiful in front of my face and I just have to have it.

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Suggestions for a Happier 2K13

(I was going to call this post Rules for 2013, but then I remembered I am not, in fact, Bill Maher.)

Stop using the phrase “Sorry I’m not sorry.” It’s stupid, makes little sense, and is also stupid.

Don’t follow Donald Trump on Twitter. Or watch him on Fox News. Or Entertainment Tonight. Or Celebrity Apprentice. Or his town car. It only encourages him.

Screen shot 2012-12-31 at 2.09.45 PM

On the 21st of every month, remind your apocalypse-believing friends that we’re still alive. Also, that the Mayans they were wrong. Take them to a nice Mexican or South American dinner to really rub it in.

Listen to this song at least once a week. Because it is amazing and impossible not to dance to.

Speaking of dancing…

Dance around your bedroom/bathroom/apartment/shower/closet naked or at least in a towel. I suggest the Pandora Motown station.

So You’re Getting Married

Congratulations!  This is an exciting time for you, sharing your love with the world for the first time forever.  Here are some great tips on how to plan your grand affair:

Watch Four Weddings marathons each weekend. Steal ideas from your favorites. Mock the losers. (Those tacky bitches have nothing on you.)

Post every single wedding-related thought on Facebook. This includes articles about preparing to be a wedding guest (“Take notes, people!”), excerpts from Dickinson poems, and pictures of your engagement ring amid a variety of backgrounds (“Look how it gleams at sunset!” “Reflection in the Bean!” “I <3 my fiance – oh weird I can’t get used to that!”)

Spend more time with your engaged friends than your single or married ones. If you don’t have any, make some at your local bridal expo. Single gals either won’t get your stress because they are jealous, haven’t met The One.  Married women won’t support you because they are upset that your wedding is going to be so much better than theirs.

Pick a good wedding theme. I don’t know when weddings began to have themes, but clearly it’s important.  Try something no one else has done. Did your groom like to play Cowboys and Indians Native Americans as a kid? Why not try a Wild West theme!

Throw smaller events to prepare yourself for the Big Day. It’s sort of like how competitive eaters prepare their stomachs before a big competition by eating light meals to stretch out their gut.  You will prepare for the stress and chaos of your wedding by throwing smaller parties for your engagement, bridal shower, bachelorette party, couples’ dinner party, meeting the in-laws, meeting the extended family, joining the social circles together, introducing your respective colleagues…

Pay attention to the details. Do your flowers go with your wedding theme? Will the color of your bridesmaids’ dresses bring out their eyes? (If yes, then pick a new color.)
Pick out a classy cake topper. This is your first statement to the world as a married couple – make it count.  (Don’t you want everyone to know that you had to force the Love of Your Life to marry you at gunpoint?)