So You’re Getting Married

Congratulations!  This is an exciting time for you, sharing your love with the world for the first time forever.  Here are some great tips on how to plan your grand affair:

Watch Four Weddings marathons each weekend. Steal ideas from your favorites. Mock the losers. (Those tacky bitches have nothing on you.)

Post every single wedding-related thought on Facebook. This includes articles about preparing to be a wedding guest (“Take notes, people!”), excerpts from Dickinson poems, and pictures of your engagement ring amid a variety of backgrounds (“Look how it gleams at sunset!” “Reflection in the Bean!” “I <3 my fiance – oh weird I can’t get used to that!”)

Spend more time with your engaged friends than your single or married ones. If you don’t have any, make some at your local bridal expo. Single gals either won’t get your stress because they are jealous, haven’t met The One.  Married women won’t support you because they are upset that your wedding is going to be so much better than theirs.

Pick a good wedding theme. I don’t know when weddings began to have themes, but clearly it’s important.  Try something no one else has done. Did your groom like to play Cowboys and Indians Native Americans as a kid? Why not try a Wild West theme!

Throw smaller events to prepare yourself for the Big Day. It’s sort of like how competitive eaters prepare their stomachs before a big competition by eating light meals to stretch out their gut.  You will prepare for the stress and chaos of your wedding by throwing smaller parties for your engagement, bridal shower, bachelorette party, couples’ dinner party, meeting the in-laws, meeting the extended family, joining the social circles together, introducing your respective colleagues…

Pay attention to the details. Do your flowers go with your wedding theme? Will the color of your bridesmaids’ dresses bring out their eyes? (If yes, then pick a new color.)
Pick out a classy cake topper. This is your first statement to the world as a married couple – make it count.  (Don’t you want everyone to know that you had to force the Love of Your Life to marry you at gunpoint?)

Oscar Parties for the Unimpressed

Let’s be real: Oscar parties have gotten as stale as the Oscars themselves.  Why not do what the Academy cannot and throw a party Kodak would shell out some money for?

Party Like it’s 1989

Cinematic Inspiration: John Hughes movies like Pretty in Pink and The Breakfast Club.  I mean, really, don’t you think you should hop on the ’80s nostalgia wagon one more time before ’90s nostalgia takes full-force (wow does that make me feel old)?

Dress Code: Faded denim, tight pants, and mis-matched florals.  Bonus points to those who wear leather driving gloves and pierce their ear with a stud.

Serve: Pizza, beer, and wine coolers.

Commercial Break Activities: Keg stands and karaoke.

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