Dear Mom,
I don’t know how you expect me to lead a happy and fulfilled life after you’ve raised me. I mean, you seriously effed my future in the following ways:
Look at this miserable kid and her 80s feminist mother. There was no hope for me from the get-go.
The Tanning Mom
I mean, sure, she may or may not have brought her five-year-old into a tanning bed (I tend to believe her claim that she didn’t though I couldn’t for the life of me explain why), but I’m not referring to her skills as a mother. No, no, no. Instead, I remind you of last Mother’s Day when I told you all about the best beauty advice my mother ever gave me. She forced me – repeatedly – to apply and reapply sunscreen every time I ventured to the sun-filled outdoors. I hated it.
But now I know that when I am old and still have porcelain, wrinkle-free skin and my peers who tanned look like my favorite leather bag, I will have my mother to thank.
Sarah Boushey
When I was a kid I watched The Sandlot so much that I tore the label on the tape because Hollywood Video said if the label was damaged you had to buy the movie. (Why we never just bought the damn thing I’ll never understand.) As many times as we watched that movie (or the 3 Ninjas collection of cinematic excellence), my mother never got drunk during the movie before driving home.
That’s what this lady did.
Yes, during the Smurfs film she drank half a bottle of vodka, sideswiped not one but three cars, and was so drunk that her four-year-old daughter had to inform the cops of her mother’s name. So – thanks, Mom, for not being a drinker.
Rihanna
I know she’s the perpetual girl to love these days, but I don’t get what the big deal about Rihanna is. Sure, her songs are catchy and she has a hot body. You know what else she has? Photos of herself beaten black and blue all over the internet. And an abusive ex-boyfriend on her recent remix.
The moral of my story is this: my mother raised me so that I wouldn’t put up with that sort of crap. I know that especially in situations of domestic violence one can never really say what they would or wouldn’t do, but I’m pretty confident that my mother raised a woman who doesn’t like swollen eyes, cut lips, or assholes who cause them.
(I also just discovered Rihanna and Chris Brown unfollowed one another on Twitter. I don’t know if that means anything to you, but I felt the need for you to have full knowledge of their alleged relationship status.)
What makes your mom special?
Posted in Personal
Tagged bad moms, chris brown, comedy, family, humor, mother's day, rihanna, tanning mom, writing
Everything I’ve learned about beauty I’ve learned from my mother. Seriously. Remember the Clarisonic? Mom found it first. Bare Minerals addiction? Madre. QVC? Mama! So in honor of Mother’s Day (May 8 is right around the corner, people), I’m going to pass on a little of Mom’s wisdom to you.
Wear sunscreen.
I don’t look much like my mother. Where she weighed less than one hundred pounds upon high school graduation, I was already in a C-cup before the end of eighth grade. I take after my incredibly Irish paternal grandmother and burn sitting too close to a window on a dull winter day, my mother once tanned with Crisco.
Key word being once.
You bet I'm wearing sunscreen and giant sunglasses.
She beat it into my curly-haired childhood head: wear sunscreen every day. Reapply when you swim or sweat. Don’t forget the tops of your ears. Hate the smell of sunscreen? I don’t blame you! Try one of the powder-based sunscreens like that sold by Bare Minerals ($28). Not only will you be covered by its SPF 30, you’ll also get a little extra coverage in one of three shades: light, medium, or dark.
I especially love this sunscreen in the summer because I can so easily toss it in my purse without worrying about it getting gooey or exploding like traditional creamy sunscreens. Also, for those of you sun worshippers who aren’t so great at applying and reapplying, there’s no expiration date!
Don’t forget your hands.
Botox your crows feet! Plump your lips with collagen! Tuck your post-baby tummy a la Posh Spice! Lift the skin of your knees to your heart’s content! But cosmetic surgery for your hands? Not quite so easy.
Age spots are easy to get and difficult to cover, and a hand lift is apparently something they only do in Jersey. You don’t need to have a weekly manicure or deck yourself out in distracting rings, but always remember to moisturize and protect yourself from the sun’s rays (are we noticing a theme here?). I’m all about things that multi-task: Aquaphor ($6.99 for 3.5 oz.) has made my lips incredibly kissable – if I do say so myself – as well as my winter-weather hands soft and de-chapped while this Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion ($8.99) has SPF 15 so you only need one product.
Size matters.
When I was still a teenager (in a time before Rachel Zoe ruled the world – I recommend this read from The Hollywood Reporter), my mother decided to invest in a good pair of sunglasses. The frames she tried on were large enough to cover above her brows and below her eye sockets with arms thick enough to block the sun as though it did not exist. I thought she was being ridiculous and bordering on an Elton John costume.
No, this is not my mother, but she won't allow me to take her photo...ever.
Alas, I was wrong. Not only did I become a big fan of giant shades, but I realized that they would help me keep my eyes looking young. Their giant protection keeps me from squinting, thus creating crows feet, and also saves my skin from soaking in the negative UVA and UVB rays that zap skin and turn it into leather.
One of my favorite pairs this season is this classic style in lavender by Bvlgari – but since there is no way I’d ever pay $290 for just about anything, I’ll be sticking to something like this from Forever 21 for just $1.50. Don’t you just love mass-produced items sometimes?
Looking for a gift still?
Gifts.com might be able to help you send Mom some beauty love with their celebrity mom types and gift quizzes. Who doesn’t love a little internet quiz?
Posted in Girly Things, Tips, Writes and Wrongs
Tagged aquaphor, aveeno, bare escentuals, bare minerals, beauty gifts, botox, bvlgari, celebrity mom, clarisonic, cosmetic surgery, elton john, gifts.com, makeup always fits, moisturizer, mom's advice, mother's day, new jersey hand lift, posh spice, rachel zoe, sunscreen
