Dear Mom,
I don’t know how you expect me to lead a happy and fulfilled life after you’ve raised me. I mean, you seriously effed my future in the following ways:
Look at this miserable kid and her 80s feminist mother. There was no hope for me from the get-go.
If there is any lesson to be taken on the state of the media after recent events, it’s that they could use a hand. So, just in case something happens to me tragically, like my childhood love of 20/20 instilled in me, or I write a particularly angry email to my improv team (that’s like a sorority, right?), here is what you’ll see on Today for at least five segments of the morning show and two pages of TMZ.
I would also like to request that Ann Curry, Diane Sawyer, or Meredith Viera do the inevitable interview of my family and friends. Maybe Brian Williams. Definitely Colbert.
Harsh Critic of the Government
Heavy into Television
Anti-Women
Mournful of a Simpler America
You’re welcome, Liberal Media.
Posted in Humor, Social Media
Tagged celebrity, comedy, humor, infamy, liberal media, media, social media, twitter, writing
PRO: Wear any and all face masks, hair masks, orthodontia, body braces, or anti-snore strips you please.
The only person you need to turn on is yourself, so just avoid mirrors until morning and you’ll be fine.
CON: There is no one to blame but yourself for a faulty alarm setting.
We’ve all been there. It’s just so much easier to make it into a fight you can have makeup sex over when you get home from work. Late, of course.
PRO: You can be as messy as you damn well please.
When there’s no one to show off an apartment/bedroom/home to, there’s no one to judge your piles of dirty clothes, clean clothes, tissues, magazines, take-out boxes, or whatever else you’re too lazy to put in its place.
CON: You can be as messy as you damn well please.
When there’s no one to show off an apartment/bedroom/home to, it’s quite easy to live like an animal twelve-year-old boy.
PRO: Eat whatever you want, whenever you want.
Pizza on Monday and Thursday and leftover pizza on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday? Have at it. No one but your waist line will mind. Ask for extra onions and anchovies, since you have no one to make out with anyway.
CON: No one will brave your germ-infested habitat to bring you soup when you’re sick.
Don’t worry, you have friends! Except, wait. They like you, but they don’t like like you. If you still have working limbs you can make it or order it yourself.
PRO: No one will know what’s in your bathroom.
There is no need to hide prescription drugs, super absorbent tampons, hemorrhoid cream, beauty aides traditionally associated with the opposite gender, or hair removal products.
CON: There is no one around to respond to your calls when you’ve run out of toilet paper.
I don’t really need to paint a picture here, do I?
Posted in Humor
Tagged comedy, dating, humor, pros and cons, relationships, single, single life, urban living, writing
Body: Athletic and toned
Likes: Working out 5 – 6 times per week, Crossfit, volunteering with various organizations, serving on the board of charities, clubbing.
Recently read: Law/finance textbook, Forbes, GQ.
Interested in: Intelligent, funny, down-to-earth girl with family values and an average body.
Posted in Humor
Tagged chicago, dating, humor, match.com, online dating, satire, single life, writing
