Filed In: Funny Things
January was kind of a mind f%@$, wasn’t it? Well, here is your Honest February Horoscope so you can prepare yourself for round two.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Things you can do to improve your life this February include: showering regularly, canceling your cable package, and forgetting that Donald Trump exists. Happy birthday!
One of my favorite posts last year was predicting how your 2015 would turn out, Dear Reader. Instead of recreating the annual horoscope, I’ve decided to hook you up monthly. How did I do with your 2015 horoscope? Give me feedback so I can speak with the stars and get our communication lines straightened out. Hopefully your January 2016 horoscope is accurate, because the stars get real touchy and snotty when I tell them they’re wrong.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Did you do enjoy your New Year’s Eve? I hope so, since that’s how you’re going to spend every day of this month. No, you’re not going to hang out in a seedy bar or participate in over-the-clothes groping every night, but you’ll have to take a lot of showers to wash of the feeling you had that night. Maybe check with your doctor to see if antibiotics are in order.
When you’re a grown up in a family of grown ups – seriously, purposeful childlessness is an epidemic in my family – Christmas loses a little of its magic. As hard as it is to buy things for people perfectly capable of buying themselves anything they want, it’s harder to answer the question, “What’s on your Christmas list?” when you have no problem buying anything you want, either!
And really, if we’re being completely honest, I’ve probably bought more for myself than others while Christmas shopping. I just can’t pass up a good deal, damn it.
So, for once and for all, here is my Christmas list. You have T-10 days to hook me up.
Adele as a personal songstress.
I will provide food and lodging, of course, but she should be prepared to serve as alarm clock, live soundtrack to the imaginary biopic I am constantly narrating in my mind, and general gal pal because she seems like a cool ass chick.
All of them.
The shirtless jogger.
I’m shocked his name isn’t Chad, but I’ll go with it. Heeeey Ethan. You almost make me want to put my phone number on the Internet. Or start running. (I will not start running. See previous post RE: dangers of running while well-endowed.)
Download this design for your desktop or phone. It’ll make me feel special.