Filed In: Funny Things

Honest Horoscope | The Bachelorette Finale

Tonight, we find out who Jojo picks to spend the next six months rest of her life with on the The Bachelorette finale. I’m pretty sure we all saw Jordan “My Brother Plays Football” Rodgers’ existence in the final two as inevitable, but what about Robby?

I mean that literally, as I can’t actually remember Robby or what his deal is 99% of the time. I actually looked back at those notes I took on premier night, and I wrote nothing about him. Not even notes about a guy who sounds like him but whose name I didn’t catch. Clearly, he made quite the impression.

So, are you watching tonight’s finale? How about the new Bachelor in Paradise? It’s going to be So. Good.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Leo, sweet Leo. Everyone likes you, but how could they not? You appear sincere, a little nerdy, and prepared to break into song whenever the feared awkward silence appears. Everyone likes you, but The One just can’t love someone without a little damage (or at least someone who is going to provide a little damage). You totally ask for permission to kiss, don’t you? Never underestimate the power of a bad boy complex. Your Bachelorette Doppelganger: James Taylor

The Bachelorette Finale Honest Horoscope |


Your Honest Horoscope | June 2016

I know I said I’d be doing these horoscopes every month (but missed a couple), and that we’re already a week into this month, but writing is hard y’all. And I am busy. And lazy. But, mostly busy. #ExcusesExcuses

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Don’t out Chad Chad this month, please. I say this to you because I feel your Chad potential. Pack it up like a suitcase full of protein powder and reconsider your life choices.

June 2016 Honest Horoscope


Your Honest Horoscope | March 2016

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

The winds of change are upon us, Dear Reader. Unfortunately for you, change is limited to diapers and motor oil. Don’t forget to buy a lottery ticket on the 14th. You’re not going to win anything, but for a moment before the lotto girl reads off the numbers on your tv screen, you will be aglow with possibility, hope, and whatever not-yet-proven carcinogen it is they use to make televisions these days.

March 2016 Horoscope |