I know I said I’d be doing these horoscopes every month (but missed a couple), and that we’re already a week into this month, but writing is hard y’all. And I am busy. And lazy. But, mostly busy. #ExcusesExcuses
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Let me tell you, your month is going to be everything you need it to be. You have been a spring of friendship to someone in this world, and now is time to reap your karmic benefits. Mazel.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
I’ve only ever stolen something one time in my entire life. I was interning for a non-profit group in the city, and was working on mailing information to prospective members and donors and whatnot. There were a few stacks of stickers with the organization’s name and some cheeky slogans that I thought some friends would like, so I grabbed a few. It wasn’t until weeks later that I realized stickers are something donors received for, you know, donating. The moral of the story is that even if you do something with good intentions this month, you’re going to do something that’s technically wrong.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Do people laugh when your name and virgin are spoken in the same sentence?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Don’t forget to keep breathing this month. This is especially significant around the 20th, where you will take a bite of birthday cake that is ever so slightly too big for your mouth, and nearly choke. Also, buy flowers for Candace from marketing on the 21st. Those CPR classes are totally worth it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Did you know Nixon (yes, that Nixon) once gave Elvis (yes, that Elvis) a plastic drug fighting badge? I mean, I guess it might have been some material slightly more official seeming than plastic, but whatever. Irony, that’s all I’m saying.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
At this point in telling your futures is where I start to get fatigued. The stars are fickle, I’ve spent a whole 20 minutes trying to communicate with them while also wondering how many episodes are left before R + L = J is officially a thing. It’s an exhausting exercise in humanity. When next we meet again, Dear Sagittarius, we’ll talk about your mother.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You’ve been feeling exposed for months now. Every conversation you enter is riddled with subtext. “Does he see me? Can she tell I’m not listening? If I say yes, can I get out of it later?” Hate to break it to you, home slice, but errbody knows! The little attitude problem you’ve had lately is causing people to roll their eyes when you enter a room. You better check yourself before you wreck…someone else’s fist when they punch you in the face.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Do you know how freaked out Aquarius is going to be when she reads her horoscope? I hope it’s like that time Kelly Ripa was outed on national television. Don’t worry, you’re not pregnant. You just have HPV. Time for a Pap smear!
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The last day of the month is going to be an exciting one for you. You can almost feel the weight of your stresses lift when your paycheck gets deposited, but then you pay your bills and become panic stricken again. Doesn’t it feel great to be alive?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The Internet is bad for you. Stop right now. No, I lied. First, but every book you’ve ever considered reading but just didn’t find the time. Got them? Good. Now, quit the Internet.