Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The winds of change are upon us, Dear Reader. Unfortunately for you, change is limited to diapers and motor oil. Don’t forget to buy a lottery ticket on the 14th. You’re not going to win anything, but for a moment before the lotto girl reads off the numbers on your tv screen, you will be aglow with possibility, hope, and whatever not-yet-proven carcinogen it is they use to make televisions these days.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
At some point in your life, you will resign yourself to sloth and be happy with your body. Until then, keep running like your life depends on it. How else will you drown out the voice that mocks your every move?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Ice cream. Trust me on this. The answer you’re looking for is ice cream. Vegan? That’s cool. Ben and Jerry have your back now, too.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Once, I met a man at a bar who complimented the way my nose wrinkled when I smiled. I was young, naive, and already tipsy enough to not notice that he was paraphrasing classic Americana lyrics throughout the night in attempt to get into my pants. He was in law school and I was but a blushing college sophomore with a fake ID, but I knew we had something special. He went home with a girl in wearing a pleather mini skirt that cool December eve, but I like to think of what could have been between us. This is all to say that March 2016 for you will be like that night was for me: full of surface level promise until you blow it by not closing the deal.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This month, play the Fortune Cookie game with all of your work emails. Imagine it! What could entertain you more while you’re feeling the 3 o’clock slump? “Let’s circle back on this next week” in bed. “Hoping to pick your brain as a subject matter expert” in bed. “Someone has got to own this” in bed. Genius!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This month you may decide to venture outdoors. Don’t do it! Stay inside for the next 31 days. Call up Peapod. Update your GrubHub account. Don’t forget to pay your cable bill. Queue up The Criterion Collection. Do whatever it is that you need to keep yourself inside like a cult leader with a sun allergy.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You should buy yourself a pair of hipster glasses. You’ll look so much smarter.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Did you know that orcas hunt together? Sometimes they’ll find a little seal chilling on a piece of ice, minding his own business, living his life to the fullest. Then they’ll create a wave large enough to knock the seal off its little slice of heaven and into the mouth of a hungry whale. The moral of the story here: choose your company wisely.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
March has that whole lion/lamb thing going for it, which is poetic and all, but there’s a reason poetry is one of the less popular art forms. The beginning of the month is going to really suck for you, but you’ll be enjoying sunshine by the end.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Please refer to Ricky Nelson. Then avoid air travel for the next 30 days.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Have you ever considered a makeover? Sometimes you just need to do a little something to your physicality to change how you feel inside. Try one of those cool hair color trends the kids are doing these days. Buy yourself a new romper. Get a Mike Tyson face tattoo. Just do you, girl. You. Do. You.