One of my favorite posts last year was predicting how your 2015 would turn out, Dear Reader. Instead of recreating the annual horoscope, I’ve decided to hook you up monthly. How did I do with your 2015 horoscope? Give me feedback so I can speak with the stars and get our communication lines straightened out. Hopefully your January 2016 horoscope is accurate, because the stars get real touchy and snotty when I tell them they’re wrong.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Did you do enjoy your New Year’s Eve? I hope so, since that’s how you’re going to spend every day of this month. No, you’re not going to hang out in a seedy bar or participate in over-the-clothes groping every night, but you’ll have to take a lot of showers to wash of the feeling you had that night. Maybe check with your doctor to see if antibiotics are in order.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
It’s the dawning of your age, Boo Boo. (No, I will never get tired of that joke.) Go buy yourself a lava lamp and meditate on what you want out of your 2016. Let the people come to you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Won’t you ever learn to keep your mouth shut? Probably not. Luckily, that means you’re a great fit for entertainment, but less so for that date you met who thinks Put a Little Boogie In It is a great name for their sandwich shop. You’re dodging a bullet with that one, I promise.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’re, like, really pretty. Treat yourself to your favorite spa treatment in celebration of how hot you are.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The twin you should concern yourself with this month is Your Better Judgement because that bitch is really falling down on its job of taking care of you. Eh, whatever. It’s only January – you’ve got plenty of time to atone for the dumb sexual decisions you make this month.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Ask out the first person you feel an attraction to this month. What’s the worst that can happen? If you’re in a committed relationship and ask out someone other than your partner, you’re probably not meant to be in that relationship. Also, I take zero responsibility for your terrible romantic judgements.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember the One Who Got Away? Sober up and think about that relationship again. They didn’t get away – you did! Take a new selfie and download Tinder again for shits and giggles.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you’re recently single, it’s my duty to remind you that swiping right on a person just to meet the hotter friend from their profile picture is terribly rude. If you’re in a relationship, it’s my duty to remind you that you should not be snooping on your partner’s cell phone or email. You’re only going to see something your memory can’t erase.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your boss’ mind is still numb from their holiday break, so now is totally the time to ask for a raise at work. Fingers crossed they’ve already forgotten about the email you accidentally reply-alled calling them a moronic ball sack. Next time insult in acronyms that you can spin into positives. “MBS is millennial for Making Serious Bank, Mr. Peterson. I admire your fortitude and persistence.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
I hear Pet Smart is having a killer sale on kitty litter at the end of the month. You should probably stock up before starting your cat collection. Don’t forget treats! It should add a few weeks between your last breath and when they are forced to speed up your decay process.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Save your money January 29 and skip Fifty Shades of Black. Even if you miss the Scary Movie franchise, 50 Shades of Grey is on HBO this month. It’s probably funnier and HBO Now is way cheaper than a night at the cinema anyway. (If you really want to see Marlon Wayan’s booty, just rewatch the 2000 MTV VMAs. It’s a nice ass, I won’t judge you for it.)