The 2012 Olympics are almost over. Medals have been won and lost, tears shed, and histories made. Who will be remembered fifty years from now? Who will make up for this years’ disappointments in Rio?
More importantly: who will serve as patriarch to the next first family of reality television?
Say what you will about Bruce Jenner, his plastic look, or emasculating marriage, homeboy was a champion:
And he was cute! Look at his Wheaties box!
So who is the athlete most likely to follow Jenner’s face altering, motivational speaking, considers-retaking-dead-ex-husband’s-name-to capitalize-on-her-daughter’s-sex-tape-fame-marrying footsteps? Let’s meet the candidates:
The Obvious First Choice: Michael Phelps
Oh, hello there, Mr. Phelps, the most winning Olympian of all time. That’s a mighty impressive medal load you’ve got there, dude. Personally, I like the whole nerdy looking odd gumby thing that you have going, but let’s keep it real.
It’s your talent that makes you hot. And the swimmer’s body.
Unfortunately (maybe fortunately?), that might not be enough to get you this win. Jenner dabbled in plastics to keep his youthful good looks from fading. Sure, it didn’t work very well, but you’re clearly the kind of guy who will only look better with age anyway.
The Hot but Probably Dumb Douchebag: Ryan Lochte
He’s got the looks. He’s got the medals. He also has a grill. Jenner would never play like that. (Though if you’ve ever watched an episode of The Hills you know that his son, on the other hand, totally would.)
My favorite Olympic tweet thus far is an ode to Lochte’s killer smile, but it’s also been decided that what he boasts in physical charm he lacks in general articulation. I don’t foresee him posing a threat to Jenner’s thriving motivational speaking business, but he is reported to be receiving numerous reality show offers (including Dancing with the Stars!), so let’s keep our fingers crossed that Seacrest isn’t involved.
The Non-American Contender: Usain Bolt
Maybe he’s actually an incredibly loving, humble, and kind person, but I call it like I see it. If I ever meet him and learn otherwise, I promise to tell you.
There is absolutely no question of his talent though, and that’s why you’ve got to consider him as a plausible Jenner usurper. Plus, let’s keep it real, Kim would probably like him.