Hi. I’m Angelina Jolie. You might recognize me from such films as Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Wanted, and Kung Fu Panda – and really, why wouldn’t you?
Please allow me to introduce you to my thigh, Angie. She’s a great friend, goes everywhere with me, but has been feeling a little neglected lately, what with running around after six kids and all. I promised her I’d take her out for a classy affair one of these days and, really, what better opportunity is there than a night honoring actors?
(Oh, the voting for Best Actor is over before the Red Carpet? Merde. Angie wanted to give Brad a kick.)
I digress. Angie has been out of the limelight as of late – so many of the countries from which I adopted my brood and for which I work frown upon the female form. But not you, Hollywood. You may be my favorite of nations and are certainly among Angie’s favorite vacation spots. In what other world would I, a pouty-mouthed daughter of acting legend be given the opportunity to live as an emblem of the Silver Screen?
Angie likes to take these evenings out as an opportunity to give back to her adoring fans. She is not, however, impressed by you, Sir Imposter.
What, you think because Community is back on March 15 and now you have an Oscar that you can mock the Angie? Perhaps we need to have a discussion about what happens with Angelina and Angie team up: