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In addition to needing glasses to see much of anything more than two feet in front of my face, I can barely sit next to an open window without sunglasses on even the cloudiest of days.
Now that summer is here it’s time for a new pair of prescription shades so that I can avoid squinting in the sunlight and to make out the signs during Chicago’s street festival season. I think I’ll go try on the flowery Ralph Laurens this week, but if you see these Dolces in my price range, let me know!
All women break their underwear down into two basic categories: Touch Me Now and Touch Me Never. Any woman who tells you otherwise is a damn dirty liar. Except for maybe nuns – I’m not sure they have much of a choice in the first place.
Touch Me Now knickers (I refuse to type or say the p-word aloud) are pretty self-explanatory. We wear them to be seen or felt, if in no other place than our imagination. You’d be surprised how high the self-esteem meter will go just by putting a cute pair of Hanky Pankies on beneath your jeans.
Touch Me Nevers are a bit trickier. They’re often the stereotypical Granny pair – high-rise cotton, baggy butt, generally unattractive even on Miranda Kerr - but worn for different reasons:
- There is no chance in hell they will sleep with you. They’re going out with you as a favor to someone, in hopes of a free meal, or heightened ennui. Sorry, dude.
- She wants to sleep with you but doesn’t want to be that girl. The one who gives it away. These are usually accompanied by unshaved legs (the moat to the castle) and maybe Mom Jeans (the drawbridge). Underwear, in this metaphor, would be the court jester. You know, designed to be laughed at but ultimately not going to protect you if the enemy has already made it that far.
Honestly, men, there’s not a whole lot that you can do with this information, but I find it helps to get into the mind of your opponent before a big match. Be mindful of the VPL…that definitely puts you on the bad side of Touch Me Never territory, so don’t waste your energy.
Also, men take no for an answer. Just a FYI.
You may have noticed my love of Baublebar. Now you can get yourself something and a rad gift for trying it out. Plus you end up getting cool offers like this one via email to tell your
readers friends about later.
Watch your jewelry collection grow exponentially.
Posted in Girly Things
Tagged accessories, bangle, baublebar, bracelet, classic, coupons, deals, earrings, fashion, flirty, gift with purchase, gifts, girly, glam, jewelry, necklace
I don’t know how you expect me to lead a happy and fulfilled life after you’ve raised me. I mean, you seriously effed my future in the following ways:
Look at this miserable kid and her 80s feminist mother. There was no hope for me from the get-go.